I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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