I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
