dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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