I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
