They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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