Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
