6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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