God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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