Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
