I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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