so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
