tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
worst night to have a conscience
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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