im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
