its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
