did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
