I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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