it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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