I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I believe in your delicious
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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