If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
