A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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