Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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