just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
