handjob tips. give me some.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
