So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
we're making bets on your personal life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
