I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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