I'm so fucking centered right now
...so i touched it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
