if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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