Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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