I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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