I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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