he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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