i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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