Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
