come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
