I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
