it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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