How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
