in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
