I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
