yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
