I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i think i have two assholes
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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