Can i not drive my cunt home
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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