Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
