dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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