i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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