I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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