I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
