a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
