I think I won the penis lottery.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
