I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
