if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
