Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
