You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
