so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
